Bald Stone Killer
When it comes to big-screen adaptations of world-famous video games it is well established that such films tend not to do so well both in the critical and commercial sense with the biggest examples being the terrible Silent Hill series, the shockingly dour Max Payne, and the Resident Evil series, which although stands out as being one of the better transformations from console to cinema, has slowly been hung, drawn and quartered resulting in its' most recent entries seemingly being squeezed so far from its' original format, they are only a shadow of the much more superior games in which they first were presented upon. Adding to the spectacular face-palm-esque bundle of video game movies this week is Hitman: Agent 47, a film which follows in the footsteps of its' brothers' in arms by being not only shockingly terrible, but single-handedly tainting the excellence of the video games in which it is based upon (I mean Hitman: Blood Money was rather brill right?). Remember the first Hitman movie adaptation released a few years ago? Well that is Citizen Kane in comparison to this dull, lacklustre excuse of a movie in which its' only real purpose in life is to pursue the bucks of those who desire the original games so dearly.
So in terms of plot, Rupert Friend plays Agent 47, a joyless, lifeless, emotionless, hairless killer raised under the wing of geneticist Dr. Peter Litvenko (Hinds) who after years of hiding is located by Syndicate leader Antoine LeClerq who sends T-1000 rip-off John Smith (Quinto) to track him down in order to use his vast knowledge of the Agent programme and create his own personal army of silent assassins. Boring, boring, boring. Also in there somewhere is a plot thread about Litvenko's daughter but to be honest, I care as much about the plot of this film as the team obviously did behind making it with Agent 47 being a constant cycle of cliche after cliche, cringe-worthy speech after cringe-worthy speech and acting so wooden, I was surprised none of the actors came out petrified at the end of it. Add into the mix awful CGI, a overload of pointless violence, and quotes (The "what you do that defines you" speech from Batman Begins), scenes (The metal detector/gun scene from The Matrix) and characters (T-1000 from Terminator 2: Judgement Day) just stolen from other, and subsequently better movies, Hitman: Agent 47 is nothing more than overlong Audi commercial which just happened to find the rights to one of the biggest video games since the birth of gaming. Incredibly awful.
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