Black Ribbon's Worst Films of 2016

Worst Films of 2016

The yearly sound of festive Christmas greetings brings with it the annual delight of Black Ribbon's year in review for film, a must on everyone's list to Santa, and to begin this year's activities we look back at the very worst 2016 has had to offer on the big-screen, not only to get the big bad stuff out of the way first but also due to the fact that with only two weeks left of the year, I cannot see any other film replacing the movies that unfortunately have had the bad luck to land on such a list, a list which ranges from shoddy blockbusters to sloppy sequels, from crappy comic adaptations to sleep-inducing symbolical thrillers and a list which features one of the very worst films of the past decade. So, in the words of Jules Winnfield in Pulp Fiction, "let's get into character" and examine the very worst films us here at Black Ribbon have had to sit through throughout the course of 2016...

10. Suicide Squad

We begin the countdown with perhaps one of the messiest excuses for a summer blockbuster in recent history, a film which had a certain amount of positive hype after its' interesting trailer yet fell flat on its' face come release date. With awful storytelling and less than one-dimensional characters at the heart of it, David Ayer's Suicide Squad was a resounding flop, one which suffered from a wide range of much publicised problems such as mandatory re-shoots and a complete change of style due to the success of Deadpool, resulting in the fate of the DC Universe being left completely open to opinion. Should Marvel be quaking in fear of its' comical rival? Not. One. Bit. With even more films next year continuing the franchise you can only hope it only gets better. It can't get much worse. 

9. Zoolander 2

Beginning the foray of sequels that not only were bog awful but were really not necessary at all is Zoolander 2, the follow up to Ben Stiller's 2001 comedy which continues the tale of the simple-minded fashion mega-star which not only contains perhaps the worst set of celebrity cameos ever seen in a movie (Cumberbatch, what are you doing?) but also suffers from the fundamental issue of being a comedy which ultimately isn't funny at all. Where the first had a slight sense of charm and a selection of annoyingly quotable gags, Zoolander 2 instead features a ridiculous and wholly boring storyline which cranks its' way into submission in order to try and give the movie a reason for existing aside from the obvious financial possibilities. Where the first had David Bowie, Zoolander 2 has Justin Bieber and that in itself is a prime of example of why the movie sucks. Big time.

8. Batman V. Superman

Of the two releases from the DC Universe this year, Batman V. Superman: Dawn of Justice was undoubtedly a shocker. Two and a half hours of a slumbering narrative which attempts not only to find a solid rationale for the titular battle but also its' attempt to set up the basis of the upcoming extended universe is the heart of the movies' problem alongside dull, uninspiring CGI and performances that range from Henry Cavill's solemn-looking Clark Kent to Jesse Eisenberg's OTT Lex Luthor, a portrayal which takes all the good things about his performance in The Social Network and ramps it up way past eleven, becoming incredibly irritating whenever he's on screen. Where Suicide Squad was similarly terrible, BvS was undoubtedly worse for one reason; it should have been a riveting success particularly when Ben Affleck was actually quite good but instead we can all acknowledge Zak Snyder perhaps isn't the man to lead DC to cinematic glory. 

7. Now You See Me 2

Yet another pointless sequel which bears all the hallmarks of the blueprint for utter cinematic failure. Awful storytelling? Correct, with the concluding twist making not one bit of sense whatsoever and the films' narrative being so ridiculous it wouldn't be amiss in an episode of Scooby Doo. Terrible characters? Oh yeah, particularly when admiring the terrible decision to allow the screenwriters to include the Jar Jar Binks of modern cinema with Woody Harrelson's creepy twin brother being skull-shatteringly awful. If it wasn't for how loud the film was in its' respective screening my many dozes throughout the film may have transcended into outright REM sleep, a position which in no way would have risked the chance of seeing anything remotely interesting on-screen. Please, no more CGI magic, I've had my share. 

6. Point Break

The real horror of this years' Point Break is now having to say "you mean the original?" whenever anyone asks if I've seen it. I mean come on Hollywood, why on Earth does this movie even exist? Where Katheryn Bigelow's 1991 was a movie based on testosterone-filled action set pieces and a bromance so contagious you would be excuse for thinking it was actually a romantic drama, with surfing, the 2016 version features nothing of which made the original so fantastic. A dull storyline with dull characters fitted together with dull action set pieces and this years' Point Break was a real drag to endure. Adding to the insult too was the decision to reenact some of the original film's most iconic images, not only reminding you how good the original actually is but also making you gag at the thought of more inevitable pointless remakes that will be released in the near future. 

5. The Forest

Perhaps sticking to what you do best should have been the advice for Natalie Dormer, formerly of Game of Thrones of course, and although broadening the acting pallet is chalk and cheese of Hollywood these days, The Forest is not quite the shining example of riveting success it might have been in another universe. What makes it so bad? It's a horror which isn't scary and primarily relies on the cheap thrill of jump scares which don't make you jump whilst the doppleganger/twin sister narrative twist at the heart of the film doesn't really make any sense whatsoever when picked apart. In a year of dull blockbusters, The Forest is the one A-List movie which was destined for straight-to-video goodness. Unforunately for Dormer and co., it's so much worse. 

4. Inferno

Ron Howard. Tom Hanks. Felicity Jones. What could possibly go wrong? Oh yeah, it's a Dan Brown adaptation of course. Whilst symbology, ancient hidden clues and a genocidal virus could be classed as the basis for adventure, Inferno is an A-Z in cinematic narcolepsy. Continuing the theme of The Da Vinci Code and Angels and Demons, Ron Howard's latest is a confusing, shoddy dramatic tale of Dante, memory loss and the end of the world which embraces the notion that if the movie doesn't slow down, the audience can't decipher the truly pants storytelling at heart. Although the twist wasn't expected, due in part to being asleep through most of the film's first half, Inferno includes the most anti-climatic conclusion seen in recent history with a disease filled plastic bag at the heart of it. That's right, a flippin' carrier bag.

3. Independence Day: Resurgence

Yet another terrible excuse for a sequel that really, no-one was crying out for, particularly when twenty years has passed since the original and particularly when in an era where CGI-fuelled blockbusters tend to be actually quite boring, Independence Day: Resurgence is a movie which takes all the worst bits and mushes them into two hours of a laboured and depressingly dull disaster. With recurring actors from the first, aside from Will Smith, seemingly only popping up for the pay cheque and an uninspired choice of younger actors, Resurgence lacks the charm, thrill and general popcorn feel of the 1996 original, resorting to cheap, over-the-top digital effects instead of a narrative and effective characterisation. And still, it isn't the worst film of the year. 

2. London Has Fallen

Unfortunately for Gerard Butler, the two worst films of the year features his majestic Scottish talent and whilst Butler has managed to do some half-decent stuff in his career so far, London Has Fallen is instead up there with the worst he has had to offer. Although not entirely his fault, this xenophobic, ultra-violent mess of a movie is truly terrible from beginning to end, featuring Butler at his most gruesome as well as a plot so intergalactically stupid it is truly surprising to see it actually managed to get past the drawing board. The only good thing about the horror of London Has Fallen is that a sequel surely cannot follow but looking back at 2016, it's fair to say stranger things have happened indeed. 

1. Gods of Egypt

And here we are at last, the Battlefield Earth of the past decade and indeed the worst film of the year by quite a distance. Although director Alex Proyas is renowned for interesting, cult-esque movies in his early career such as The Crow and Dark City, Gods of Egypt is not worthy of viewership by any means. Aside from being perhaps the most toe-curling two hours of cinema I can remember, Proyas has created a movie so stupid, so pathetic in its' attempts at creating something resembling a historical narrative that Gods of Egypt can't even be excused of being a movie so bad it's actually good. Although Butler isn't in the leading role, his performance is still part of the systematic weakness at the heart of the movie with oak-soaked wooden portrayals across the board whilst the CGI is put to shame by even the most basic of effects seen on the worst television has to offer. There is no hiding it, Gods of Egypt is an epic disaster and will be at the forefront of worst movie lists of recent times for years to come but for now, it's just the worst film of 2016. Let's see what next year has to offer. 

Next Time: Best Films of the Year -Part One!

Duo Review: Batman v Superman: Dawn of Justice

Dan's Review

After the ridiculous amount of cash Marvel's Deadpool has taken since it's release date all the way back in February, the world's fixation on live-action comic book blockbusters clearly has hit an all-time high with it being only a mere month before the release of the latest superhero cash-cow, DC's Batman v Superman: Dawn of Justice, a film which not only has a hell lot of future investment riding on it, with it essentially being a stepping stone for the creation of the DC Universe in which films like Wonder Woman and Justice League can exist, but also suffers fundamentally from an extreme amount of hype and expectation deriding not only from hardcore fans but from the head executives at Warner who know if Dawn of Justice goes down the pan, the optimistic future, one in which is obviously a frivolous attempt at rivalling the overly addictive and highly successful Marvel's Cinematic Universe, may start to look as dark and murky as the colour palette that embraces Zak Snyder's behemoth of a blockbuster. With The Dark Knight trilogy's Christopher Nolan to help him out, Snyder clearly had the blueprint of Man of Steel to follow on from with Dawn of Justice yet the sad and underlying truth of Dawn of Justice brings with it a deep sense of disappointment, with Batman v Superman being a incoherent and bloated CGI-fuelled mess, something of which doesn't come across as the tent-pole of the future it was indeed meant to become. 

Let's start with the good shall we? The set-up of the underlying plot behind Dawn of Justice, one in which the ambiguity of Superman's capabilities forces Batman to engage in means to stop him, urged by the Iago-esque doings of Jesse Eisenberg's Lex Luthor and the chaos that occurred during the final act of Man of Steel in which Metropolis was well and truly given a hammering by our Krypton visitors, is definitely an interesting concept, one which gets to introduce the newest incarnation of Batman, with Ben Affleck's take on the caped crusader being a riveting success. Where Affleck succeeds is unfortunately where Cavill fails, with his performance as Clark Kent being one of dire and utter dullness. Wet fish anyone? Cavill aside, Dawn of Justice only lessens in quality throughout it's 150 minute run-time, a run-time which in itself results in a film bloated with extreme plot lines, plot lines that either make no sense whatsoever, with endless dream sequences set to leave many scratching their heads, or plot lines that seem to be there only for dramatic effect rather than any real purpose or meaning, with the scene in which Lois Lane discards and then attempts to get back the Kryptonite spear being rife with utter stupidity to say the least. 

Where Man of Steel eventually began to lose steam was indeed during it's final climactic act, one in which attempted to use as much CGI as possible in order to come across as epic but ultimately resulted in a 40 minute period of intense boredom and brain-melting digital effects. Well if Man of Steel was painful to watch at times, that has nothing on Dawn of Justice, a film so reliant on CGI effects to portray its' action, you simply beg for for George Miller to come in and beg for proper real-life thrills, thrills that were evident within Nolan's The Dark Night trilogy yet remain completely absent throughout the entirety of Snyder's snooze-fest. When we finally arrive at the titular battle at around the two-hour mark, its' sheer laziness and sleep-inducing reliance on CGI is just poor and wholly underwhelming. Oh yeah, and we then have an extra 30 minute fight scene featuring a CGI monster. Wow. What else is poor? Wonder Woman is on-screen for all of 5 minutes, whilst both Jeremy Irons and Diane Lane are criminally underused, yet the real crime is the sense of Nolan having no say on this film whatsoever as producer and the film being controlled completely by the effects ridden mind of Snyder, a man who simply cannot continue as the spearhead of DC's project of the future. Batman v Superman is not exactly Fantastic Four, it just seems like it is for now, with the heavy sense of disappointment leaving me with a strange sense of pessimism regarding the future of live-action DC movies, a genre which still has the credence to declare The Dark Knight as the best of the best. As for Marvel, they are most definitely still in control. Let's see what Captain America: Civil War brings. Excellence, I can only hope.

Dan's Score: 4/10

Pete's Review

So we know Dan hated it. I however felt it lived up to my very minimal expectations. I really enjoyed Man of Steel but Zak Snyder is as constant as a broken clock and he really did a number on this one. So let’s rattle off what is good about BvS. Firstly, Batfleck. His structure, costume and general portrayal was one of the more true to life Batmen that I've personally seen and he doesn't sound like he needs a lozenge and some honey tea (Apart from the laughable bat scene). Gal Gadot was a brilliant Wonder Woman, albeit for only a short period, and she really did kick ass with her costume really being on point, unlike her back story, which wasn't so much whilst, as we are all aware, Doomsday makes an appearance, one that is once again fantastic one that looked pretty damn good. I could sit here and rattle off a few more characters and names of those I've enjoyed as there is very little else that really made the movie. Sure, the action was good but the story was a mess of comic book Meta with events that are left unexplained and severely confusing for those out of the loop.

For instance (COMIC BOOK SPOILERS AHEAD), we know that Robin is dead, killed by the Joker. Or so we thought. The reality is that the recent Arkham Knight game reveals all and its’ main villain is actually Robin himself who felt betrayed by Batman and seeks revenge. So his appearance bursting out of a screen in a dream sequence in a costume that looks like Red Hood/Arkham Knight was jarring to say the least (Turns out it was The Flash for some fucking bizarre and ridiculous reason but I preferred my view). Everyone knows of the Joker and a lot may know of the Injustice series. The fighting game illustrates this series well as the Joker blows up Metropolis with a nuclear bomb killing many of the Justice League and Lois Lane. Superman goes ape shit and takes over the world and puts it under martial law while Batman leads a resistance against him, thus explaining the desert scene and all of the crazy costumes and military tech. Without rattling on more, you see that Zack isn't looking at the typical consumer. He was targeting the followers of the comics which in a way is great but financially, is not viable and still requires prior knowledge to a film that is launching a new series.

As a general consumer, what else are the issues? My biggest gripe sits with Hans Zimmer. A fantastic composer who has done some astonishing pieces of work but his work on BvS was awful. It felt like cheese was leaking from the speakers, with a corny guitar rift ruining the atmosphere of what should have been an incredibly tense and violent action sequence. Visually, the movie was alright, Doomsday looked bad-ass and his special effects were pretty good but Batman's movements didn't look human in the slightest and looked more like Spider-man with a permanent blur across him whenever he had to make any semblance of haste. Also, why does have to approach people in desperate need of help in an overly dramatic and incredibly slow fashion? Alright, Clark. Pack it in you prick. This house is about to float down the river. I can't quite understand the need to constantly portray yourself as a god but complain when people see you as just that. But Clarky boy has nothing on the particularly annoying Lex Luthor. Sure, it may have been a decent performance but I'd like to clarify that I don't ever remember seeing Lex Luthor act so bizarre. Perhaps he was doing his best impression of the Riddler and was trying to reinvent himself as a clown without make-up. The sharp, slick and calculated psychopath that I remember has become a crazy Joker goon with incoherent babbling at the top of his agenda.

Thus we come to the story; A convoluted mess with links so frail, a fart from the most petite of butterflies would send them careening through the museum of very expensive, fragile artefacts of a long lost world with the discretion of Russia in the Ukraine. Think of it as an origin movie. Something to whet the appetite for the future stories within the universe and yes, it does set that ground well but for 150 minutes, it sure did drag on. I look forward to seeing Jason Mamoa tackle Aquaman and finally (hopefully) give the character justice for the years of ridicule and watching Gal Gadot’s take on Wonder Women in what will be a very important milestone in her career. Not to say I didn't enjoy it, it was a fun movie and hopefully it’s just a minor hiccup that will give the next instalment a bump in motivation to produce a better, more flowing piece. But this is Snyder, so piss in a bucket and call it Granny's peach tea for all he cares.

PS - If anyone has that damn sexy note the Batmobile makes I want it now. Kthxbye.

Pete's Score: 6.5/10

Overall Score: 5.25/10